Public mistakes make me crazy!

Difficult Conversations - a leadership fable part 2

This is part 2 of Difficult Conversations, A Leadership Fable, the serialization of a book I’m writing. Because I already have a few lovely subscribers (and thank you to those who joined last week!), the fable will be free for all. The non-fiction part of this book will be behind the paywall for subscribers. At the end of this fable (several weeks from now), subscribers will receive for free (and everyone else will be able to purchase) a full video course on how to have difficult conversations.

In case you missed it, You can start the series here.

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The Story, part 2…

As I head down the elevator, the familiar hum of the machinery contrasts sharply with my tumultuous insides. My mind is racing, my gut churning, and I am stomping mad. I feel like a pressure cooker about to explode! I hate making mistakes. More than making mistakes, the thought of others discovering my mistakes sends me into full-blown panic mode.

Last year, my first year in this new job, I’d wait until Sam (my husband) and Suze were snug in bed, then set up my second office in the dining room, reviewing every detail, analyzing every spreadsheet and report making sure I didn’t miss anything and that I was always 100% accurate. The stress was crazy, but the fear of public failure can be a horrible driver.

Now that I had all the systems down, I thought I’d graduated from the late-night grind. Yet, here I was, staring down the barrel of another potential fiasco that threatened to send me right back into the darkness of my late-nighters. Ugh.

I pulled up my coffee app, fingers tapping out an order like a lifeline - anything to avoid human interaction while I simmered in frustration. “Just hold it together!” I growled at my reflection in the elevator doors. “Breathe. Just Breathe.”

As I finished ordering my usual sugar free mocha with an extra shot, my Collaboration Hub (CH for short) group chat popped up. Your sisters are always there when you need them!

Kara: Ladies, I put together a summary of our conversation on difficult conversations. Let me know if I missed anything:

• Deal with your emotions

• Prepare for the conversation

• Apply emotional intelligence

• Create a supportive and productive atmosphere

• Use conversational intelligence

• Lead with questions

I felt a rush of gratitude. I was so glad to hear from them.

Me: “Thanks for that! I’ll need that today! Could use prayer - ready to move to Australia!!”

Kara: “Sorry to hear that. Manager #1 still driving you nuts?”

If only! Last month I’d shared about Jake’s ineptitude in providing crucial details. I thought maybe they could give me a magical fix but instead, being seasoned leaders and great women of wisdom, they told me I needed to have a Crucial Conversation (as in the book) with him.

Me: “No, still taking the passive aggressive way out…working up to it. Today is M#2. I finished and sent an urgent project to her by EOD last night, but closed my laptop too soon and it got stuck in my outbox. She didn’t text me, but assumed I ghosted her. She did it all herself - it must have taken her hours! I’m embarrassed and frankly, mad.”

Kara: “Oh wow. That’s one’s rough. I can imagine the overload. Dealing with your own emotions is for sure a start. The word ‘Clarity’ comes to mind, not sure why. I’ll pray for favor!!!

Gratitude surged through me for their prayers. I was drowning in self-doubt. Slipping my phone into my pocket, I slowed my pace, letting Kara’s words wash over me. I could feel my pulse slowing, my breath deepening. I was starting to become present.

What would clarity look like in this situation? I knew I need to circle back with Jake and stop being passive aggressive, but I haven’t figured out how to approach that without looking like a total… You know.

But with Jillian, she was the one who hadn’t reached out! I felt wronged here! But she genuinely thought I failed her.

Pulling my phone back out, I text:

Me: “if any of you are on right now, could you double down on clarity a bit? What else might clarity be?”

B: “First thing that comes to my mind is ‘what is true?’”

Z: “Oh! That makes me think of Byron Katie’s 4 questions in Loving What is. The first two are

• Is it true?

• Can you really know that it’s true?(1)

Oh. This was good. Suddenly I felt like a weight was being lifted. All this shame and guilt and blame I was feeling - it wasn’t true that I purposefully wronged her. This mistake was similar to tripping and spilling coffee all over someone. It is bad, but not intentional. Just a mishap that could happen to anyone. The real task was to figure out how to prevent it from happening again.

What about my anger and defensiveness? I couldn’t know what Jillian was thinking when she forged ahead without pinging me to see where the project was. I need to talk to her.

Me: “Oh friends! You are lifesavers. You are reminding me that M#2 is a person with her own issues. She is just as fallible as I am. If I stick with what is true instead of what is perceived, I might really be able to help here. Thanks!!” K, thanks for that list this morning. This sets me up for #2. Prepare for the conversation.

As I finished up my walk, I started working the puzzle. The first step was to decide what the goal of this particularly hard conversation would be. I realized I needed to focus on the email today. Jillian had accused me of letting her down and hadn’t reached out directly, which had created a fracture in our relationship. Still, I felt that something was missing.

My phone buzzed again.

R: “Feel like I am supposed to remind you that the 3 parts of preparing for a hard conversation are

• Set a clear objective

• Anticipate potential objections and/or reactions

• Outline key points to address”

Oh. praying friends.

Me: “Perfect timing! Thanks!!!”

Back at my desk I jotted some notes:

Objective: Clarify that the information was in my outbox and could have been delivered immediately if I’d been given a text (and apologize that things hadn’t gone smoothly). Bonus for the future: Get Jillian to communicate with me if I miss expectations instead of assuming the worst.

Possible Problems: Jillian could blow me off and still blame me. She might lecture me more on the importance of her work. Perhaps I can counter by offering to text her when I’ve done EOD work, so if she doesn’t see it she can text back?

Key points:

1. This situation was hard for both of us

2. I feel bad she not only had to miss her daughter’s recital but that she had to do double work when it was already done.

3. This was avoidable because it was already done

4. We need to avoid this type of miscommunication because time with family is precious and I value her time.

5. How can we avoid this going forward?

With my notes in place, I was ready for Jillian. Turning to my email, which is starting to pile up again, I discovered an email from her - she was not feeling well and would take a couple of hours of sick time this morning - she’d be in meetings all afternoon.

I quickly replied:

Can we meet tomorrow morning? I want to connect. I feel super bad. That information was in my outbox and I just closed my computer too fast. I wish you’d let me know you hadn’t received it. Let’s talk in the morning. I’ve reserved a privacy room.

I moved my notes to my Jillian folder, taking a deep breath and prepared to continue through today. Australia really was a long way away.

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You can continue the story here

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Applying these Principles

It’s a typical weekday afternoon and you are sitting in typical rush hour traffic. Cars are bumper to bumper, horns are blaring, and you can feel the frustration building. The weight of the world presses in as you inch forward at a snail’s pace. Rolling up the windows to dampen the noise, turn on air circulation in hopes of blocking out the fumes…but still you are stuck. The longer you sit here, the more anxious you become.

This is very similar to what it feels like when too many things hit you at once in life. In our fable, Melanie was overwhelmed in a similar way.

When you are stuck in rush hour traffic, you have two choices, you can surrender to the flow, becoming just another victim of the traffic jam, or you can reach for your navigation app. With a few taps on your screen, you can zoom out and gain a clearer view of the situation. Suddenly, you can see alternate routes, shortcuts, and even real-time updates on accidents or roadblocks. Armed with this new perspective, you can make informed decisions and find your way to your destination, bypassing the congestion.

The same principle applies when we encounter overwhelming situations in our lives—especially during difficult conversations. Just like rush hour traffic, our emotions can create a gridlock of confusion and frustration. We become so consumed by the chaos that we lose sight of the bigger picture. In this chapter, we will explore ways to “access our navigation apps” and broaden our perspective. By utilizing these tools, we can navigate through emotional traffic jams and find more productive paths forward.

In this chapter, we will look at four primary tools that can be used together or separately: