Kid Drama - She's Off My List!
Difficult Conversations - Part 3
This is part 3 of Difficult Conversations, A Leadership Fable, the serialization of a book I’m writing. The fable is free. The non-fiction part is behind the paywall for subscribers. At the end of this fable (several weeks from now), paying subscribers will receive as a free bonus (and everyone else will be able to purchase) a full video course on how to have difficult conversations.
In case you missed it, You can start the series here.
Also, I’d love your feedback, one of my kids tells me the AI photos of the first two episodes were totally cringe, and I need to change my game plan. What are your thoughts on using AI photos? Thanks!
She’s Off My List!
Some words just look like what they sound like. Flounce is one of those words. That afternoon, Suze flounced up to the car. She flung the door open, harrumphed into the seat, and if her little form had allowed it, I’m pretty sure she would have slammed the door shut. Then she glowered at me in the rear view mirror. I looked at her and waited, trying hard not to smile at this exaggerated display of physical emotion. Pushing me even further toward laughter, she clicked her seatbelt and waved her hand dismissively at me as if I were a chauffeur. “Drive,” she sputtered, as if she’d been waiting for me to do the obvious.
“Not the best day?” I asked, pulling into traffic.
“I am fine,” she announced with aplomb. “Allie, Ella and Dydra are off my list.”
This sounded so dramatic. But being several years into raising a daughter, and a born list maker (IYKYK - If You Know, You Know), I thought I’d better dig deeper.
“What list is this?”
“MY list.”
“You have a list?”
“Of Course!!” (Eye roll included)
“What is this list for?”
The CH had talked about emotional intelligence, so I’d been reading a bit about emotions, and this was really working - asking her logical questions was starting to slow her down. I saw her take a deep breath.
“It is the list of people who get to be my friends.”
I just need to side bar here with you dear reader. This child amazes me. Never, when I was growing up, did I imagine that people “get” to be my friends. I thought I had to earn and keep their friendship. Somehow, she sees things differently, at least on the surface.
“So who is on the list?”
“Oh, people. Rebecca got put on it today because she was nice to me.”
“Is this the Rebecca who didn’t let you come to her party last year?”
“Yes, but today she was on my list.”
“And Dydra is almost never on your list.”
“That’s true. She is a growler - she growls at everyone. But now she’s not growling at Ella and Allie. She’s being all Smily (said in sing-song) and they are being all (continuing in the sing-song voice) ‘Oh Dydra, we’re so glad to be your friend.’ I wish I was in Mrs. Nelson’s class instead of Ms. Hanson’s.”
“So Ella and Allie, who’ve been on your list since preschool, aren’t on your list?”
“I Said they aren’t on my list.”
So much for emotional intelligence. Pulling up my CH notes file, I scrolled through it at the light, hoping something caught my eye. When you walk through life with a group of high-functioning, well-read women at various phases of life, you often get nuggets you can pull up at key points. I had lots of notes on managing emotions and points that might work here seemed to be:
Identifying your own emotions and dealing with them appropriately (showing empathy, challenging with truth)
Identifying, verifying and acknowledging the emotions of others
Show empathy and respect regardless of whether you agree (people are humans not obstacles or problems)
Lighten the emotional load with on-ramps and off-ramps so people aren’t overloaded.
I’d been working through the first two a lot lately. I was quiet the rest of the way home as I ruminated on this list, wondering how these points applied to dealing with Suze while also helping her to learn these skills. I decided that my first goal for the evening was to create a good on-ramp.
When we got home, since it was only the first week of school, Suze had almost no homework. At 9, almost 10, Suze could be very creative, so I decided to include her in my thoughts.
“Suze, it sounds like you’ve had a rough couple days, and I want talk about the whole friendship thing more, but we need a good on-ramp, something to put us in a comfy situation to have the conversation. What do you say we get on our comfy clothes, throw a pizza in the oven and take Beaza (our miniature golden doodle) for a walk?” Before she could respond, I thought I’d best sweeten the deal.
“I’m thinking today is a pizza and brownies kind of day.”
“Pizza AND brownies? That sounds very cozy.” Suze was back in a flash ready for a walk.
Fall is my favorite time of year. After setting my watch for the pizza in the oven, we set out to enjoy some fresh air. The afternoons were still warm, but a bit of crispness was setting in as the sun headed toward the horizon. The air was perfect.
“I love this weather.” I shared with Suze.
Suze walked with her hands in her pocket, watching Beaza, ready to clean up after her when she did her business.
“Mom, why do friends have to be so hard to get along with?”
Wow. This kid didn’t pull punches. Lord, give me wisdom.
“You are right. Sometimes it is hard to make and keep friends. I can’t tell you all the reasons. I do know that you aren’t the first person to ask this question. Maybe it’s because we are all humans and humans are not perfect - that means that we hurt, but we don’t know how to communicate it right, so we hurt others … and hurting people hurt people, as the saying goes.”
“Allie and Ella aren’t hurting, they are hurting me.”
“Really? I know they are hurting you, and you are feeling left out, but how do you know they aren’t hurting? How do you know what they are feeling at all?”
“Well, they aren’t lonely, so they have to be happy.”
“How do you know they aren’t lonely?”
Suze just looked at me like I needed to find a brain. It seemed really obvious to her, but I know my girl - just give her a bit. She’ll think this one through and figure out that she doesn’t know what they are thinking.
We got back to the house just in time for the pizza to come out of the oven, Beaza having done her business. Suze fed her dinner and washed her hands while I pulled out the pizza. While the pizza was cooling, we mixed up a box of brownies and threw them in the oven.
Between bites of gooey cheese, I decided to ask another question to work along this emotional intelligence list.
“How could you find out what Allie and Ella are feeling?”
“Well, I can’t have them over because they’ll want to invite their new best friieend, Dydra.”
“What is it about Dydra that caused them to become friends this year, do you think?”
“She is in their class and she is being nice to them. She is having a birthday party next week at the Jumping House.”
“So do you think she is trying to be a friend?”
“She’s trying to be their friend. I want them to be my friend. Can we be done talking about this mom?”
Time for the off ramp. “For now. I want to keep talking about it as long as it bugs you because it is important to try to figure this out and not just walk around in pain. You are important, but they are too. We can work this out together. Did you want to watch a movie? We’ve got about an hour before dad gets home.”
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Walking on Eggshells and Relationship Land Mines
You’ve likely heard the phrase “walking on eggshells.” It describes that tense feeling when no matter what you say or do, it seems like you are bound to offend or upset someone. Picture the kitchen floor littered with fragile eggshells. You are trying to cross the room without breaking anything. But - crunch! The first step shatters an eggshell and not only does it break the eggshell, but it cuts your foot as well!
We all have days (and relationships) where this feels like reality.
Then there are land mines. One moment, you think everything is fine, but the next, something triggers the other person them at a deep level and just like a land mine, the devastation feels pretty gruesome.
This chapter will look at a heart attitude that will help you keep stable in the midst of these rough times, and a practical tool for setting up difficult conversations.
When does a person become an object?
When does a person stop being a human in our eyes and start becoming a problem?
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