The Story Begins
Difficult Conversations - a leadership fable
I’ve been working on a leadership book for a while now. The fable is done and just needs some re-ordering. I’ve decided to serialize it here. Because I already have a few lovely subscribers, the fable will be free for all. The non-fiction support will be behind the paywall for subscribers. At the end of this fable (several weeks from now), you’ll also get an opportunity to purchase a full course on how to have difficult conversations. Because this is the maiden voyage of this format for me, my subscribers will get free access to that format.
I turned down the radio as I eased the car forward in the pickup line at school, finally catching a glimpse of my little girl—turning pre-teen—with her dark, short hair and hazel eyes.
Suze headed toward the car, and I could tell by her gait that it hadn't been a good day. That wasn't the first clue, though. Her usual best friends, Allie and Ella, were not by her side. In fact, they seemed to be hanging back with the dreaded Dydra, who had made third grade so difficult. I had hoped that fourth grade would be better than third. Sigh.
When Suze got into the car, I debated whether to put on a happy face or acknowledge her glum demeanor. Finally, I decided to just ask, “How was today?”
“Awful!” Suze didn’t even look up. She stared at the window sill of her car door, obviously lost in an inner dialogue.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, hoping to help her open up.
“No!” she snapped, her hazel eyes still glued to the window.
“Well, this is the start of a great school year,” I thought to myself. I turned back on the chat radio I had been listening to on my drive and headed for home.
~~~
That night was my monthly Collaborative Hub (CH for short). A Collaborative Hub is a group of women who commit to walk together for one year at a time. We meet monthly for two hours, each of us bringing a topic we want to hear input on from the others. Some years, we make a commitment to read certain books together. This year has been phenomenal. It is a group of seasoned professional women that I turn to for support and wisdom when life has me backed against the wall. They know my heart, have wisdom, and can help me apply both.
Our meetings are structured, but our chat (which moves from year to year based on current technology) is daily and free-flowing. It has been kind of cool how some months we can see a topic emerge. After I shared the situation with Suze and asked for advice on helping my independent dynamo, others chimed in, and our theme really seemed to be about Difficult Conversations.
~~~
When Suze was little, I used to read her Judith Viorst’s book “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.” By 8:30am the next morning, I wondered if this was going to define this whole school year. Suze’s morning had gone well. She and her father loved their breakfast time together and he took her to school. A morning with no drama or melt downs, no forgotten homework or lost socks was a definite win.
But then I got to work. You see, I work in a pretty large company in our city. I support a couple of mid-level managers which means I also oversee projects, have staff that report to me and make sure that the “trains run on time” for my managers.
As I was walking into the office, one of my managers’ bosses, Marg, pulled me aside and asked me if I’d noticed anything out of sorts lately with Jillian. Basically, she was asking me to tattle on one of my bosses. Since it is my job to make my managers look good, I felt really on the spot. I tried my best to gather information and remain as vague as possible. But truthfully, Jillian and I get along great, so it wasn’t hard to say I didn’t see anything wrong…but that interaction felt so…odd. You know?
I continued on my way into the job that I love. After all, it’s challenging and rewarding. The door to our open office area reflected back my image - not bad. I work out, keep my wardrobe up, visit the hair dresser. My hair is dark like Suze’s, but my eyes are dark too. I’m not really jazzed by appearances. To me, any clothes that aren’t my sweats are a uniform…what I wear to make other people see me as I need them to so I can get my job done well.
What matters to me is on the inside. Is life fun? Is life interesting? Is life too stressful? Little did I know that I was hitting one of those growth periods that would make me not even want to go to work. Like Alexander and his terrible day, I would really want a trip to Australia.
As you can tell, I like a bit of structure. Open concept offices to me just mean that I don’t get space to myself. I have the space where I like to sit, and today, Jake (my other boss) and a couple of the other young guys were standing around my desk. As I wove around them, put my purse away, and turned on my computer, I kicked myself for not noting any scores on the way into the office. Somehow, unless I have something of substance to add or they need something, I feel invisible to them.
It doesn’t take long before having 3 people talking basketball right at my desk becomes a bit much. I could have asked them to leave, but that felt confrontational. Instead, I decided for the passive (some might say passive-aggressive) approach. I took a look at Jake’s long-term calendar. Next week he presents to the upper management on one proposal and two projects that we have in the pipeline. I quickly pinged him with a couple of tasks for items that I need to put together those presentations, then texted him for his expenses that were due last week. Thankfully, that does the trick - the basketball bros disburse and I was free to answer emails.
The third email sent a panic wave through my body. It was from my other manager, Jillian.
“Melanie, I know that you have a lot on your plate but when I asked for the information on the Wallace global revenue stream by the end of the day today I really needed it by the end of the day because I have a presentation at 8pm tonight. I will now have to miss Trina (her 3 year old’s) ballet recital in order to run the numbers myself to be ready for this presentation. In the future if you can’t make the timeline that I request can you please let me know with enough lead time that I can make alternate arrangements? I know you carry a big load, but we all do and this is very irresponsible to not get me information that you said you would.”
As the panic and now a bit of ire rolls through my body (How dare she call me irresponsible? And why didn’t she just text me when she didn’t get the data?) I double check - I was sure I sent this info.
Sure enough. There it is, in my sent folder at…8:10am? Oh no! Apparently I hit send and closed my laptop too quickly.
I am so mad. This was avoidable if she’d have trusted me! One 5 second text would have saved her all that time and she could have gone to the recital! I’m so overloaded with emotions I can’t even…
It’s time for a coffee break. I know - coffee when my whole body is already on overload sounds counter-productive, but somehow, maybe it’s just the two-block walk, it helps. I may have only been at work for 20 minutes, but I grabbed my phone and coat, and headed for the door, needing to release some stress.
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You’ll find Part 2 here
We’ve all experienced those moments when panic overwhelms us. Steve Cuss tells us that it starts with either a racing mind, a racing heart, or a tightening gut (or shoulders).(1)
Which comes first for you?
If you think it’s all three, you probably aren’t catching the beginning of the flood and might not even notice it until you are in full panic mode, overwhelmed by the cascading emotions and pressures that have built up unnoticed, leaving you scrambling to regain your footing in a situation that feels increasingly out of control.
However, even in those chaotic moments, there are effective strategies to help you find calm and clarity once again.
Here are 4 things you can do that will help and one thing that will help you most in the long run.
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